BWFC v Arsenal Saturday 25th November 2006

Well last week I said I'm now getting worried. No win in 5 games now. Quentin Fortune was declared fit but by the time Bolton kicked off they'd slid to 9th place. A win was vital to continue the European drive and would shoot us back up to third.

I'd told Christina all about the joys of Sky Sports and how I'd got a 51" widescreen telly conveniently in the bedroom. I think she was impressed. I even imported some pies for half time. She said she'd get to my place for 5pm sharp so we could enjoy the build up. Sure enough, 5 to 5 the doorbell rang. I answered the door trying to appear nonchalant and not to make my limp too obvious. She was wearing a very sexy outfit - she said she'd bought it especially for the game and it was in Bolton's colours. I was suitably impressed.

"Well our boys have indeed stuttered of late" Christina told me. And Theo Wallcott is cute. Mmmm I replied. I told her I'd just got a new mattress and would she like to try it out..... "Yes Please" and she lay down nicely. I told her it was the best mattress money could buy. The fifteen minute build up flew by and we completely missed Sam's pre match words of wisdom.

Suitably satisfied with my new mattress, we diverted our attention back to the large TV at the far end of the room hoping that Stelios would come on and do Arsenal again! No Henry, Rosicky or Van Persie. A win for Bolton would surely end Arsenal's title chances once and for all. Dioufy has been a bit gobby this week, let's hope he doesn't end up on the wrong end of the refereeing decisions.

The arse were looking for their first win in 5 league visits in recent times. And Arsehole Wanker has often been critical of Bolton and been seen to whinge more than Anelka! Come on Nic, let's see your first league goal today! Beauty and the Beast! Bollocks to that!

The game kicked off - Mike Dean looked enchanting with sticky tape securing his microphone to his face. Mr. Dean hasn't been our favourite official lately. Jussi took a deep kick onto Davo's head but the arse got back possession. Dioufy was looking good on the right flank - the arse fans booing him. Adebayor then came close to scoring at the other end. Phew.

Senderos replaces Gallas due to injury. Speedo looked good and Dioufy and Davo earned us the first corner taken short. Dioufy danced around the defenders but couldn't get the ball to a white shirt. End to end stuff.....  Anelka looked up for it too. Llungberg made a run up the left side and they got a throw in. Gilberto picked it up as the arse continued their attack. Fortune looked exposed as he didn't have a defensive player ahead of him. Walcott's pace was frightening. Hunt nearly ended up scoring an own goal as he cleared over the bar. What do we still play him?? Bring back Joey soon! Tee corner was shipped in dangerously but Dioufy cleared it and Anelka started a move culminating in another Bolton corner. It was sent deep and headed outing for an other corner. Dioufy got ready to take the corner as he clapped at the arse fan's booing - but they were soon quiet as Faye made a terrific header into the back of the net! A routine set piece and arse should have done better. Lehmann was blocked in by his own player! The Bolton fans were now booming their songs over the arse fans. Bolton one arse nil. Arsing wasn't best pleased. His Reebok jinx striking in the arse again on 10 the minute mark.

Arse bounced back with Wally Walcott looking sharp again til Faye body checked him. Nice. The play too and froed again as Adebayor had another chance cooly taken by Jussi. End to end stuff. Dioufy rod hit him in the back as he was fowled and the ref waved play on. Arse then got a free kick after a poor Speedo challenge. They had a free kick just outside the box. Their free kick specialists weren't playing so Fabregas was elected to take the kick. It went into the box - Davo did a horrendous miskick but his embarrassment was saved as the ball was cleared. Arse still looked unsettled. Walcott did a shit shot wide of the post. Excellent. Jussi then made a brilliant save on the edge of the box as Adebayor spurned an excellent chance. Arsenal were slowly getting back into the match. The ref blew again for a Speedo fowl and the resulting fizzled out to a Bolton goal kick. 20 minutes gone. Clichy was looking good on the left wing. Their pace was frightening and worrying. Jussi found himself stranded but the ball was cleared. Jussi - with the second best clean sheet record in the premiership would need all his reserve to keep a clean sheet today.

Davo the pushed Ebouey who fell like a sack of spuds. One for Soccer AM. The arses wanted to see a red card. Stupid stupd stunt from Davo right in front of our favourite ref. get a grip man or you'll be off and we'll be stuffed. Meanwhile the woofter was still on the deck with the physio and his magic sponge. What a wimp. Sam just chewed calmly in his new coat. The kick went staight back to Bolton and out for a throw. Anelka worked well with Dioufy and Davo puttin gpressure on the arse. Diouf ended the move with a poor shot but Llungberg then got a yellow card for trying to get the ref to make another booking. Cheating git. 25 minutes gone. Lofty waved at the cameras. I always wonder whop the poor bastard is in there and what he did to deserve that gig.

Another throw in from Nobby resulted in a pish Ben Haim shot into the Gods is they exist. Christina was f'ing and jeffing at the ref and the arses. That's my girl. Arse then got the ball in the net after it had gone out of play. Cheating bastards! We nearly paid the price for not picking up Fabregas. Back up the other end we wasted another chance. Dioufy then won us another corner. I thought for a minute the ref was gonna give a throwin. Lehmann pointed frantically. Nicky Cunt did a wild shot and the whistle blew for a Speedo foul. Lehmann was close to loosing the plot as he got a yellow. I don't think he has got to grips with the English physical game. Once again Christina was bouncing up and down on my new matress - this time however she was screaming in quite a different way. I didn't know she knew such words. Still I'm glad she saved them for the arse. Sam was staying put in the stand at least for now. Dioufy shone again on the left winning a free kick. Marvellous. Noby had words with the layman. The corner came in and Hunt on the right crossed the ball in and we won another corner. Hnt ran rings round Clichy. He must be crap. The corner wasn't a good one but we won another throw in taken by Speedo deep into the box where Nobby took a great shot that deflected off Senderos for another corner. Nolan pressurised the lay man once again. Bolton kept up the pressure in Bolton's best spell of pressure.

A fascinating first half and still 10 minutes to go. Keep it up Jussi. Davo did a great tackle but went right through Walcott who went down like the proverbial. The linesman saw it all - Arse hole wanker must have seen something else as he remonstrated to the fourth official. Four yellows at this point is more than enough. The arses continued to boo Dioufy. They were waking up as arse took more possession. Having dropped 14 points already the arse didn't want to drop more. Harsh. Anelka and Dioufy almost made a good chance but the lay man grabbed the ball from the air. So far Jussi hadn't been too busy - but suddenly Fortune was on the deck again. He pulled up sharply after tracking Walcott. Off he limped yet again. Bummer. Dioufy consoled him. The Sams gave Campo the nod. Meanwhile our other full back Nicky Hunt got a knock and limped off. Shit. Arse took the corner with our 9 men working hard to clear the ball. Campo got his boots on and Hunt limped back on as we got a free kick. Let's hope Campo doesn't get sent off or injured as he has against the arse in recent times.

With 2 minutes to go Jussi did a shit kick straight to a yellow shirt who seemed to handle the ball, but we recovered and were on the attack again. Christina was still hollering - her voice sounding a little gruff. Maybe she'll sing Dirty to me again at the break. Jussi then did another shit kick and Dioufy was flattened - no dive this time. We took our time to count the clock down to half time. Four extra minutes came up. Stay cool guys. Then out of the blue Anelka got the ball from crossed from Davo - he turned and right footed the ball past a stranded lay man into the back of the net. Fucking magic! At last Nic looked like he was reaching his potential. Unfortunately for us Arse for a corner from the kick off and Gilberto wasn't picked up and stuck the ball in. What the fuck were our defence thinking about! We had it in the bag but once again the defence went to sleep. Sam was livid. Christina was even more livid! Two injury time goals and the prospect of a great second half to come. The whistle blew ion exactly 49 minutes - so far the Beast was in front.

Christina fell back onto the bed after an exciting 45 minutes. "Shall I put the kettle on?" I said. "Not just yet" she replied...........

Before we knew it the second half was underway. My throat wasn't the only thing feeling delicate. Stelios was on for Hunt and Llungberg was on the deck after being caught by Davo. Well done Davo. Freddy was down and out just like the other Freddy. Play continued as Bolton pressed. Back came Freddy as arse had the ball. it went out for a Jussi kick. Arsehole wasn't pleased. Mah non. Jussi made a good save putting the ball out for a corner. Freddy, sponsored by elastoplast, waiting in the box. Bolton cleared. Arse were piling on the pressure. Bolton had to dig in as arse dictated the play and tried to make it 8 from 10 away wins. Wallcott did brilliantly down the right crossing the ball to Freddy who headed the ball onto the woodwork passed a stranded Jussi. A great chance to even things up. Arse took the resulting corner but the ball ended up flying over the bar. The arse were looking frighteningly good playing composed football. Stelios hadn't yet made a mark on the game.

The microwave beeped signalling that our curry was ready. Chicken vindaloo with extra chillies. Yum yum piggy's bum. 56 minutes gone and dinner was served. Meanwhile in the dug out our friend was still looking unhappy and considering changing his side. Campo brought down a yellow shirt and got a yellow card in return. Flamini went off and Baptista came on as Arsehole changed his tictacs. Fabregas took the resulting free kick straight to a white shirt. Senderos then fowled Dioufy and got a card for his troubles. The referee was a busy boy - siz yellows so far and 30 minutes remaining. Arse piled on the pressure. Our lads were hanging on. Toure then blatantly blocked Stelios and guess what - another yellow card. Seven. Dioufy took the kick which was defended well for a change. Campo was struck down in the box but no penalty. There was certainly contact....  but no penalty - surprise surprise.

Arse then countered and got a throw in. They maintained the pressure. Sam was urging his men to push up more. Arse were in their best spell of the game and Christina fell eerily silent. Was it the vindaloo? Jussi was equal to arses quality - just 20 minutes left. Can we hold out?

The fans were getting tetchy as Bolton struggled to maintain possession. Sam yelled his orders launching lumps of wriggleys across the pitch like guided missiles. Bolton had a great free kick and Anelka missed a wonderful chance by the far post denied by the woodwork and a double save. The lay man had just kept his side in the game. Bolton kept up the pressure as the arse's defence creaked. But soon the pendulum had swung again and arse had a free kick. Llungberg then went off and Hleb came on. Arsehole had played his last card. Bolton had all 11 men in their own half defending like bastards. 16 minutes left. Hang on lads.... And then it happened - Anelka came to life and scored another magnificent goal against the run of play - a superb ball from Campo, no off side, then Anelka hit his former club with another perfect shot - past the lay man in in the back of the net.

My screams were still resounding around the room. Fucking magic. The arse piled on even more pressure. Stelios broke and almost did a good pass to Nic but the ball went out. Sky were saying that Nic was slightly offside for the goal - who fucking cares!!! We're 3-1 up with 1 2minutes to go. It took me a couple of minutes to scrape up Christina's curry off the floor. Still, it would still taste as good. Arsehole was ranting again. Nice. Christina said something about too many chillies but my ears were focused on the telly. Even Christina couldn't grab my attention now. 10 minutes left and Nic was on the run down the right. For once this season it was our opposition that were lacking the finishing ability.  Arse were beginning to look like losers.

Sam then brought on Vaz Te and took Dioufy off - to the boos of the arses and the cheers of the decent folk. He had had a great game. Arse continued to push. Davo conceded a free kick on the corner of the box. Fabregas took the kick but it was defended well. Stelios them brought down Hleb. The move went to Adebayor whose superb effort rattled off Jussi's right post. Kinell. the pressure was on. 86 minutes gone and arse had another corner. Jussi punched the ball away as arse continued the pressure. No doubt there'll be loads of injury time 8-(

Big Sam urged his players to keep up the good work. A good ball to Adebayor almost left us vulnerable but we won a goal kick. 88 minutes gone and I'm sweating profusely - could be the vindaloo. This was when my bowels woke up. There was nothing I could do to hold it back - a fine trumpet fanfare - my tribute to the arse's manager. From the arse to the arse you might say. Arse continued to launch long balls into our box as our lads tried in vain to slow the play down. 90 minutes gone and it was looking like arse's title hopes, however thin, had ebbed away. They'd hit the woodword 3 times but so far so good. 91 minutes gone, as were my nails and Christina. I think it was the curry. Strictly Come Losing was looking like arsehole's best bet as he danced around the touch line. Are kept up the pressure, passing the ball well and dominating Bolton for big spells of the half, but failing to make it count. Harsh. Still no sign of Christina but the bathroom light was on. Jussi kicked the ball out for a throw - but the whistle blew on 93 minutes.

Bolton were now 3rd as the ex gunner Alelka had blown them away. Big Sam kissed Nic - nice. So we're back on track. Arse had let in as many away goals today as they had before this game in total. Magic

A contest that had everything!!!!!!!!!! Well done Nic - my man of the match!!!  Tough titties to whinging arsehole wanker. At last, a match report I've enjoyed writing.

Big Sam said we had some fortune and the woodwork was in our favour. Nic's goals were wonderful. We knew it would be difficult but a terrific battling performance. Anelka finished them off with the second goal. He defended Davo after his fouls. But a big big win on the back of no wins in five - a big day. The loss of our 2 fullbacks made the victory even sweeter. Pederson hurt his back yesterday so couldn't play today. Not the back four he would have selected against arse but now we can relax a bit before Chelsea. And Nic - goal of the season !!!!! Today alone was worth £8m ! Sam was bubbling, meanwhile arsehole wasn't. David Platt said that Champions League football was in our sights! Arsehole paid tribute to Nic. He did complain that his second was offside and about a push in the box for the first goal. He did however admit their title chances had gone. Bargain.

Just then I heard the front door go - Christina had left the building. I assume it must have been my curry.....  never mind - we beat the arse - shame Christina didn't. She won't need any anelak tonight. Bring on Chelsea - let's hope they get a few injuries tomorrow 8-)

So come on, let's all sing along "What's that coming over the hill... is it Anelka... is it Anelka.....
Well it's better than Dioufy's song........
 

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